Turn My Grief To Grace
by turnitintolove
Summary: She doesn't stop until the mirror is covered in red writing.  The words that come out at night to haunt her.  Words that she hears and carefully puts in a small box in the darkest corner of her soul.


**WARNING:** There is attempted suicide in this. So if that's a trigger, please be warned. Also, without getting preachy, I just wanted to say that suicide is **NEVER** the answer. It is most definitely a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And there is _always_ someone who cares and loves you.

* * *

><p>The annual Lopez holiday party was an event. It was catered, black tie, and all of Lima's high and mighty were on the guest list. Santana hated it, she had ever since she could remember. Her father's work friends from the hospital and her mother's group of trophy wives. The promising young interns who were lucky enough to snag an invite had treated her like an outsider, that was until she went from scrawny Tana to <em>Santana<em>. That's when she really started to hate the parties on a deeper level. They would leer at her and make passes, no matter how many times she told them she wasn't interested. It still didn't stop the rumors. Her mother's friends would scoff and comment on her clothes, weight, and rumored promiscuity. She hated them _almost_ as much as the interns.

At least this year she was allowed to invite friends, which ended up being the Glee club. (It's also the first year she's allowed to invite Brittany, her parents weren't fancy enough for Santana's mother, even though they'd done a better job of raising Santana.) Even at McKinley, the party was legend. On more than one occasion, kids tried to crash it. They never succeeded. She really isn't sure how she ended up inviting the Glee club, but she has a feeling most of it has to do with Brittany pouting. She couldn't say no. Plus she enjoyed the idea of annoying her mother by inviting a group of kids she deemed 'unsuitable' for Santana to have as 'friends.' They were all surprised to receive the fancy invitations on the last day of the semester.

But she still found herself outside, on the heated deck, avoiding the party. She thinks it's more out of habit than anything. A part of her is uncomfortable with the Glee club in her house. She still doesn't get along with most of them, and this feels like a huge invasion of her privacy. But she promised Brittany that she'd try to let them in, even if they still call her a bitch during rehearsal.

"Aren't you cold out here?" She's more surprised than anything that anyone has ventured outside. A light dusting of snow covers the surrounding yard.

"No." She doesn't know the name of the guy. Some faceless intern who worships her father.

"You're Santana, aren't you? I'm Marcus." He extends his hand, but she just pulls her arms closer around her body. She hopes that if she ignores him, he'll get the hint and leave her alone. "You go to McKinley, right?" So much for that plan.

"Sure do." She doesn't even bother to look at him.

"I think my sister has a few classes with you." He's moving closer to her, and all she wants is to be left alone. Every time he inches closer, she sidesteps to put more distance between herself and the intern.

"That's great."

"She's told me a little about you." Santana quirks an eyebrow to feign interest. "Yeah. Something about being the school _dyke_." He puts a lot of venom and weight behind the word, and she flinches internally. Santana turns to give him her trademark bitch glare, but finds that she's been pinned to the wall closest to the house and furthest from the sliding door that will lead her back inside. "Yeah, see, I think she's wrong. Because, _Santana_," she hates the way he says her name, "I've heard a few other things about you."

"Look, Martin-"

"Marcus."

"Whatever. I really don't give a shit what your sister says or thinks about me. And I care even less about your opinion." She's trying to sound and look calm, but she can feel the cracks in her carefully built façade getting bigger.

"See, that's where you're wrong. Because I think you do care. A lot. So how about you and I get better, let's see, _aquatinted_? You can prove to me just how wrong she is." He's leaning against the wall, his lips ghosting her neck and exposed collarbone. She shivers, but she knows it isn't from the near freezing temperature. When she feels his thigh slip between hers, she pushes him away.

"What the fuck?" It doesn't even take him a second to pin her wrists to the cold exterior of the house. "Just, leave me alone." She wants it to sound angry, but it comes out a whispered plea.

"Now Santana, why would I do that? _Everyone_ knows you put out. You're the resident whore." He roughly presses his lips to hers, and she feels herself begin to shut down. Her mind is going blank except for his words. _You're the resident whore. _It plays in her mind over and over as she feels his hands lift the hem of her dress.

Something in her mind snaps, "Get off!" Her hand comes up to scratch the side of his face, and then she runs.

"You worthless bitch!" He's screaming it over the music as she opens the door to the house and runs upstairs.

She finds herself in her upstairs bathroom, panting. His words playing like a broken record in her mind. But soon it's joined by everything else she's heard thrown her way. The words that she lets people think don't matter. That she doesn't care. She's not even sure what prompts her to do it. Maybe it's to silence the words echoing in her head, or maybe it's to drown out the party downstairs. All of a sudden the laughter coming up the stairs is directed at her. Her father's colleagues, her mother's high society friends, even the kids from Glee club that she holds at arms length. They're all laughing at her.

Her left hand is grasping the red lipstick that she'd put on earlier in the evening. She's not sure what part of her the words are coming from, but they don't stop. She doesn't stop until the mirror is covered in red writing. The words that come out at night to haunt her. Words that she hears and carefully puts in a small box in the darkest corner of her soul. When she stops, she can't see herself without reading the ugly words. The words that she's convinced herself make up who she is. She let's out a shaky breath as she carefully caps the expensive lipstick and puts it back on the counter.

Her next move is so automatic it almost scares her, she pauses as she reaches to open the medicine cabinet. It wasn't like the thought hadn't crossed her mind before. She's looking at the labels. Deciding which would be best. When her hand grabs the orange bottle, she hesitates before popping the child safety top off. But one glance at the words, and she tips it's contents into her mouth. She fills the same, but now empty bottle with water and swallows. She lowers herself to the floor, careful to not wrinkle her dress. She doesn't want to disappoint her mother. Santana toys with the bottle as she leans her head against the wall behind her, and waits.

* * *

><p>"Has anyone seen Santana?" Brittany stands in front of the large sofa that most of the Glee club is sitting on.<p>

"No. But I must say it's very rude to invite us here, to only ignore us."

"Rachel's kinda right. But I think I saw her go outside a while ago. She was talking to some guy." Finn pulls Rachel closer to him as he gestures to the back deck.

"If by talking, you mean blowing."

"She wouldn't do that Puck." Brittany crosses her arms tight over her chest, angry at his assumption.

"Not what I've heard about these parties. Just saying." He shrugs her off as he heads towards the open bar. Brittany watches him, she's heard the same rumors. The young interns telling their friends that they'd gotten 'friendly' with Dr. Lopez's daughter. Brittany also knows that Santana wouldn't go near any of them.

"I'm going to go look for her, if you see her, will you let her know that I'm looking for her?"

"Sure Britt. If she's not outside, try upstairs. You know she hates this thing." Quinn is the only one who's been invited to the party in the past, when her parents were still considered part of the in crowd. And she's seen Santana sneak away from the people and noise, but mostly the people.

Brittany makes her way outside to the deck, passing some angry looking guy who's running towards the front door. Only she finds it empty. She takes a moment to breathe in the cold December air. It's a nice break from the heat inside the house. She let's out a sigh, and heads back inside the house. It takes her a few minutes to weave through the various groups of adults, but she finally makes her way up the large staircase. She starts in Santana's room.

"Santana? You in here? Guess not." Brittany's about to make her way back down the stairs when she notices that the bathroom door is shut and there's light seeping out from under the door. She knocks gently, "Tana? You've been gone for like, I don't know. But it's kinda boring downstairs without you. Santana?" She knocks again, but still doesn't hear a response. She tries the doorknob, and it turns without protest. "Santana?"

The first thing Brittany sees is the mirror. Covered in red writing. She frowns as she reads some of the words. But her eyes catch something so terrifying that she knows she'll never forget it. Santana, slumped on the floor with the orange bottle in her hand. "SANTANA!" Brittany drops to the ground and cradles her. "Santana, wake up. Santana! Oh my god, what did you do?"

"Britt, we're gonna-" Quinn's words catch in her throat as she takes in the sight before her. The words on the mirror. Brittany on the floor, rocking a barely breathing Santana. "Oh my god! What did she-"

"Quinn! Go get help. Please!" Quinn runs out of the room and down the stairs before Brittany finishes.

"Tana, what did you do? Why?" Brittany is holding her close as she reads the words in Santana's neat handwriting.

_Whore. Bitch. Dyke. The only job you're going to have is working on a pole. Failure. Won't amount to anything. Satan. Easy. Disappointment. Mistake. Heartless. Useless. Afraid. Not good enough. Slut. Alone. Ashamed. Fag. Resident whore. Unlovable. Soulless. Weak. Ugly. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. _

"Oh Santana." Brittany lets her tears fall as she continues to rock her and press gentle kisses to her head.

Brittany hears loud heavy footsteps run up the stairs and down the hall. Santana's father runs into the room and drops to his knees. He runs his hands over Santana's face and checks her pulse. He mumbles something about an ambulance on it's way as he looks up and reads the mirror. It only takes him a moment to let his eyes flicker over the words. Brittany watches as tears start to fall down his weathered cheeks. He cradles Santana's face in his hands and kisses her forehead.

"Mija." He chokes it out, unable to say the words that are cut off by a sob.

Brittany hears a gasp, and sees that Santana's mother is standing in the doorway. Taking in the scene. She normally looks so distant and angry, but now all Brittany can see is a heartbroken woman, silent tears running down her face.

Quinn runs into the hallway, "The ambulance is here. They're coming up. Mercedes is getting people to leave." Mrs. Lopez nods and grips Quinn's hand.

The paramedics pick Santana up and take the pill bottle from Brittany. She watches as Santana's parents follow the medics into the hallway and down the stairs. Quinn offers her hand and pulls Brittany up to her feet. "Come on Britt, I'll drive you to the hospital."

"Quinn, I don't understand."

"Me neither Britt. Me neither." She eyes the mirror another time as she leads a shell-shocked Brittany down the stairs. Quinn can hear the siren start up and quickly fade as it leaves the street. As they make their way down the stairs, she can see the confused and concerned partygoers stare at the open doorway. Their gazes shift to the two girls making their way down the stairs. Almost immediately they are bombarded with questions about the events of the past few minutes. Quinn ignores the demands for information and guides Brittany to grab her coat and leads her out the door.

"Quinn! What the hell is going on?" Puck runs out the door and grabs her arm to stop her.

"Can you help Mercedes get everyone out?"

"Quinn."

"I'm serious Puck. Just help Mercedes get everyone out. I'll call you from the hospital." Puck let's go of Quinn's arm and nods as he re-enters the house and starts yelling for people to leave.

The drive to the hospital is tense. Quinn's knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel and Brittany's hand. The only sounds are of the road, Brittany's sniffles and muffled 'why's.' It's taking all of Quinn's strength to not cry or scream. She mainly wants to scream at Santana for hiding behind her carefully constructed walls. For not letting anyone in. For not telling anyone that she was hurting.

They sit in the waiting room in their party dresses. No one will tell them anything. They aren't family, even though the two of them have seen Santana grow up more than her own parents have. Quinn texts the Glee club to let them know where they are and that they still don't know anything. Within the hour, they're all sitting and waiting.

"I, I cleaned her mirror." Mercedes whispers to Quinn. "No one else saw it." Quinn nods her thanks as she grips Brittany's hand even tighter.

They sit in silence. They all mull over what their last conversation with Santana was. All silently terrified that it will be their last one with her. An hour, or ten minutes, no one's really sure how long they've been sitting there, a nurse with a kind face stops in front of them.

"You're friends of Santana Lopez, right?" They all look up at her and nod. She takes note of how a group of 16 and 17 year olds look so haggard and grown up. "She's going to be okay." The group lets out a collective sigh of relief. "She's had her stomach pumped, you should be able to see her in about half an hour. But she probably won't be awake. I'll come get you."

The group murmurs their thanks as she turns to leave. Brittany breaks down in Quinn's arms. "Shh. She's okay Britt. She's okay."

"But she's not. She wouldn't do this if she were okay." The rest of them can't help but agree.

"She's going to be okay Britt." Kurt is the only one to have found his voice after Brittany's admission.

"How do you know?"

"Because, she has you." Quinn takes Brittany's face in her hands and forces her to see the conviction in her eyes.

"What if I'm not enough? I already wasn't." She tries to pull away from Quinn's grasp, be her hold is strong.

"Then you have to make her see you. Okay?" Brittany nods. "Okay."

The same nurse comes back into the waiting room and leads the group down a few hallways and into one of the larger private rooms in the hospital. Santana's parents are speaking with a man in lab coat, they pause their conversation when they see the group of teenagers enter the room. The three adults quickly excuse themselves into the hallway. Brittany immediately breaks away from Quinn's grasp and leans over the bed to place light kisses on Santana's face.

The group hangs back as they hear Brittany tell Santana that she loves her and that she's there. They all take her in. How small she looks in the bed. The IV in her arm, her pale complexion, the various tubes and monitors. For a moment, the only sounds filling the room are the steady beep from the heart monitor, Santana's gentle breathing, and Brittany's quiet whispers. They all feel uncomfortable as they watch such an intimate moment. Sure, they've all had their suspicions, but never had they witnessed the love that either girl had for one another. It's beautiful.

They stand in the room for an hour, or maybe it's ten minutes. Their concept of time has been altered since they saw Quinn run down the stairs in the Lopez household, pale and frightened. The same nurse comes into the room and offers a small smile to the kids now seated in various chairs around the room. "Sorry guys, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Dr. Lopez, would you like for me to bring in a cot for you and your wife?"

The Glee club waits to hear his answer. They don't know a lot about Santana's home life, but they've gathered enough to know that she isn't close to her parents and that they're not around a lot. Quinn and Brittany are the only ones who know that they've missed the last three birthdays. Dr. Lopez shifts his feet nervously as he feels the gaze of the teenagers in the room.

"I can stay with her Dr. Lopez, if you want to go home and sleep." Brittany finally looks away from Santana and sees the relief in his eyes, and another piece of her heart breaks for Santana. He nods his thanks as he and his wife silently make their way out of the room, avoiding the looks of pity that the kids are giving to Santana.

"I've got some sweats in my car Britt, I'll bring them up for you." Quinn nods her head to the door for the rest of the group to follow her out.

* * *

><p>The first time Santana wakes up, she isn't sure where she is. It's dark and uncomfortable and the noises are foreign to her. But she sees Brittany's head near her arm so she closes her eyes and drifts back into nothingness. The second time she wakes up, she can see the first signs of dawn peaking though the shades. Only this time she registers where she is and why she's there. But before she can panic, she sees the blonde hair and can feel Brittany's hand holding her own. So she lets the panic fade and closes her eyes. The third time she wakes up Brittany isn't there, and the events of the previous night flood her memory. She panics. She can't breathe and she feels like she's going to vomit. Brittany walks into the room with a cup of coffee and sees Santana having a panic attack.<p>

"Santana, breathe. You have to breathe. It's okay. You're okay. I'm right here. Breathe." When that doesn't work, she climbs into the bed behind Santana and wraps her arms around her. One hand over her heart, the other over her stomach, pulling her close. "Feel my hands Santana. Breathe. You have to breathe. I'm right here. Feel my hands. Breathe with me." She feels Santana start to calm down, the beeps from the heart monitor are slowing, and she can feel the rise and fall of Santana's chest in time with her own. Brittany quickly reaches to her side and grabs the empty tub and sets in front of Santana. Not a second later, she throws up the rest of the charcoal from having her stomach pumped. "You're okay. I've got you." She places a gentle kiss to the back of Santana's neck.

Santana's parents walk into the room with a small bag of clothes and are followed by the same doctor who was in the room last night. Brittany looks at them and offers a small smile. She can tell that they want her to leave.

"Tana, I'm going to go home. I need to shower and stuff. But I'll be back in a while. Okay?" Santana nods. "Okay. I love you." She places another kiss to her neck and climbs out of the bed.

Before she can leave the room, Dr. Lopez stops her. "Thank you, for staying with her."

"It wasn't a problem Dr. Lopez. I was worried." She stares at her feet. She can't tell him that she's haunted by the vision of his unconscious daughter, barely breathing and having given up. She's not sure how to be around him now. Seeing him cry in the bathroom and seeing him conflicted about staying by her side last night.

"Yes, but you've stayed with her. Since you two were five, you've stayed with her. Thank you." He looks like he wants to hug her, but he isn't sure how. So Brittany squeezes his shoulder. "We're taking her home later today."

Brittany nods, she takes another look back at Santana, who looks so lost. She pulls out her phone and calls Quinn to ask if she'll pick her up. Twenty minutes later, Quinn pulls up to the curb.

"How is she?"

"I'm not really sure."

Quinn nods, "Home?"

"Can we stop by Target first?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"I need to get some stuff."

Quinn pulls into the parking lot and Brittany runs in, telling her that she'll only be a few minutes. True to her word, Brittany runs back into the car with a single bag and a large box.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Can you drop me off at Santana's house?"

"Uh, sure. Britt, what did you get that was so important?"

"Stuff." She's looking out the window at the snow covered sidewalks. Deep in thought.

"You're such a pain in the ass sometimes. You're lucky I love you." Quinn shakes her head and hums along to the radio.

As soon as the car stops in the driveway, Brittany bolts out. "Thanks Quinn! See you later." Quinn watches as Brittany finds the Lopez's hide-a-key and let's herself in. Of course she knows where their key is. She doesn't know where the one to her own house is, but she can make her way into Santana's house without a problem.

* * *

><p>By mid afternoon Santana is finally on her way home. She couldn't look her parents in the eye. She doesn't want them to see how empty and alone she feels. They'd made her talk to one of the shrinks, and she now has mandatory appointments twice a week. All she can do is stare out the window as the world goes by in a blur of white. Everything is so crisp and clean from the fresh snow. She wonders if she'll ever feel like that. Clean and calm. Her thoughts are interrupted by the car pulling into the dark garage. She pulls herself out of the car, limbs feeling heavy as she walks up the stairs to her room.<p>

"Mija, I'm going to order some pizza for dinner."

"Okay." Her mother watches as Santana slowly climbs the stairs. She can't help but feel like she's missed out on everything. She read the words on the mirror, but she doesn't understand them. A new sense of guilt floods her body, and she wonders where she went wrong.

When Santana makes it to the top of the stairs she glances at the bathroom down the hall. Afraid to see words that had poisoned her soul for so long. She tentatively makes her way to the bathroom, when she turns on the light, she sees that the mirror has been wiped clean. She also sees that the room has been cleared of all medication. Santana sighs and flicks off the light. When she opens her door, she's met with a sight that takes her breath away.

Brittany is sitting on her bed, legs folded beneath her. Lining her black walls are white candles of various sizes. But the thing that causes the tears to fall and her breath to hitch is her walls. All four of them are covered in Brittany's loopy handwriting.

_Beautiful. Amazing. Brave. Sexy. Kind. Generous. Funny. Intelligent. Worth the world. Loving. Strong. Leader. Alive. Passionate. Loved. The best thing that ever happened to me. Patient. Soulful. Caring. Protective. Best friend ever. Angel. Talented. Gentle. Useful. Proud. Will end up running the world. Powerful. Beautiful soul. Compassionate. Loved by Brittany Susan Pierce. _

Each wall said the last line several times. Brittany needed her to know that she was loved. Santana feels Brittany turn her around. Brittany pulls her in for a tight hug before stepping back, keeping her hands on Santana's shoulders.

"Santana Lopez. You are the most amazing person I know. You have been my best friend since we were five when you kicked Puck's shin for pulling my hair. And I've loved you since you shared your goldfish with me two weeks later. I've been _in_ love with you since you kissed me under the bleachers at a football game our sophomore year. And I realized that I can't live without you last night when I thought you were gone forever." Brittany cups Santana's tear soaked face, "You, are not alone. Ever. And you are worth the world to me. Do you understand?"

Santana nods, "I'm so sorry Britt. I'm so so sorry." She cries as Brittany holds her, rubbing soothing circles into the small of her back, and pressing gentle kisses to her head.

"I love you more than anything in this world Santana. And I'm going to tell you every day, until you know that it's enough."

"I love you. I love you." Santana says it like it's her last lifeline. In reality, it's the only thing that's keeping her head above water.

They stand in Santana's room surrounded by the gentle glow of the candles and the late December sun. Brittany's words are blurred by tears, but Brittany is repeating them to Santana. She repeats them until the red lipstick words are a dull pink scar left on her soul. The white loopy handwriting wrapping a tight bandage around it, and Brittany's love wrapping itself around her heart to keep it safe.


End file.
